Sadness

No questions, no advice, just sharing

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TimA.
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Sadness

Post by TimA. » Fri Mar 28, 2014 11:57 am

Feeling tremendous sadness today.

PhilH
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Post by PhilH » Sun Mar 30, 2014 8:51 am

Tim,

Sorry that you are feeling sad. I'm glad you felt you could come here to share, though. There are others who care, our Lord most of all.

TimA.
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Post by TimA. » Mon Mar 31, 2014 6:40 am

Thank you Phil that does ease the pain some.
Tim

TimA.
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Post by TimA. » Wed Jun 18, 2014 8:22 pm

I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. I must be a terrible person because as I look back over my life every time I have felt close to someone they will soon want nothing further to do with me. I don't understand why. I have honestly tried my best to be a friend to others but it must surely not be good enough. It hurts, I feel so sad and lonely.
I have prayed, I have worked the steps, written inventories, confessed to sponsors and Bishops. I have talked with psychologist and did group therapy. I saw a psychiatrist and took the drugs he prescribed for over a year. As I began each of those efforts I was hopeful and excited that finally I could get better but after each one I found I was still the same wretch that I have always been. Alone in a crowd like a man dying of thirst in the middle of the sea. I don't know anything else to try and I am loosing hope.

PhilH
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Post by PhilH » Fri Jun 20, 2014 9:26 am

I think there is more of this than many realize, especially among men. Women seem to gather friends around them and they talk things over with them. Men, on the other hand, keep things mostly to themselves. It seems to me that it is much harder for men to form close friendships. You see images of men getting together to watch football games on TV, or playing some kind of sport together, but that is not really part of my life. I am not into sports, so what would I do with a male friend? I do enjoy fishing, and so, in an effort to get better acquainted with a guy in our ward, I asked him if I could go along with him next time he went fishing. He has a boat and does a lot of fishing. He took me with him to a local reservoir, and I fished and he just ran the boat and didn't fish himself. I caught four trout, with was nice. When we finished, though, he pointed out some places I could fish from the shore if I want to come again (without him). In other words, he did something to be nice to me, but wasn't interested in repeating it, or having a relationship of any kind.

The men I know are from church (and I am glad to see them when I run into them at church) but we don't do anything outside of church. My home teaching partner makes wooden bowls on a lathe, and I went over and watched him once. But we haven't done anything else outside of church and home teaching. Maybe I can develop that relationship a little more.

I sing in a local men's chorus, and I have gotten to know many of the men in that group, and I enjoy seeing them at rehearsals and performances, but outside of that, I never see any of them.

I have acted in several musicals with a local community theater group, but outside of those activities, I never see anyone from that group.

I attend a local face to face Heart t' Heart group, and I lead two online meetings every week, and the relationships I have with those people are closer than the ones I have with any other group, because we share more personal things, such as our challenges with addiction and our efforts to come closer to the Lord. Those are very special relationships. But we don't get together outside of Heart t' Heart activities.

If I try to think back to the last time someone called me up and wanted to do something with me, I can't remember the last time it happened. It has been years, I know. So I am pretty lonely too. I have friends that I do things with in a group, but no one that I do things with one on one.

I think the most valuable thing I have learned in Heart t' Heart is to use my journal to record my thoughts that I express to my Savior, and to listen for His response through the Spirit. I have learned that I can write those impressions down in my journal, in His word, as I perceive He is talking directly to me. This is the most reliable friendship I have, comparable only with the relationship I have with my wife. The Lord is always available, and He is always willing to counsel and advise me with the perfect knowledge He has of me and those I interact with. He has the power to lift my spirits and bring me peace. He has the power to turn away temptations and protect me from the attacks of the adversary, whatever form they take. Everyone else in my life will fail me, either because they don't care enough, or they are tired or have their own stuff to deal with, or because they die. The Lord is the only One who will always be there. Sometimes I want to say that that is not enough--but then I think what a marvelous gift it is to be able to talk with Him, and hear His responses to me. It is an amazing gift, and He does comfort me whenever I let Him.

In the back of Clean Hands, Pure Heart is Appendix A, which is all about developing this relationship with Jesus, and learning to hear His voice when we write. I hope that can be a blessing to you. I also suggest coming to the online meetings. Those are great opportunities to interact with people on a personal basis. God bless you, Tim.

TimA.
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Post by TimA. » Fri Jun 20, 2014 11:06 am

There was once a little boy who lived with a loving family. One day he wandered off and got lost in the wilderness. It was cold and dark and as he searched for his way back he came upon a house and looked in the window. There was a warm fire and people were laughing and talking and having a wonderful time. He went in and joined the fun and for a while he felt warm and loved and that he was finally in out of the cold. Then things began to change he tried to interact with others but they seemed not to want him to speak. Then when he would approach people they would stop talking and leave. Finally someone set him outside the door and locked him out. He went to the window and looked in, he saw the warm fire, the people laughing and having fun. Someone saw him and came to the window and asked what he was doing? He said he was cold and wanted to come in. They told him you are welcome here but you can never come inside. He looked at the cold dark wilderness and
he looked inside at the warm fire and the loving friends. He longed to be inside with them but knew he never could. He looked at the lonely wilderness again and and walked away from what he longed for so badly. He wondered in the wilderness for many years and came upon many houses with a warm fire and loving friends inside. Each time he went in and felt, finally I am home, here I am loved, only to find himself rejected and put out and told you are welcome here but you can not come in. Finally he was an old man, his hair was grey and his health was beginning to fail and it was harder for him to wander through the wilderness. One day he sat and pondered his life and wondered would things be different on the other side of death's door? He wondered if there were others like him, who could not come in and join the fellowship in the house with the warm fire and loving friends? He resolved that if he ever had a house with a warm fire that all would be
welcome, not only to look inside from the window, but to come in and enjoy the fellowship and warmth of the loving friends inside. That whatever it was that made them undesirable it would be tolerated and they would be loved the same as those most desireable. The old man sat and thought about it, Yes that is how it must be because my joy could never be full if there was even one who felt the pain of rejection I have felt. He built a fire on the ground and looked up at the stars and asked them, as they looked down on the world, if the saw any that were rejected to tell them he had a warm fire for them. That no matter how or why they were undesireable he would not reject them but would love them and fellowship with them and enjoy the warm fire with them. He pleaded with the stars to tell them there are no walls around his fire and no window you must stand outside of and look in. No, there are no conditions on love and fellowship all will be accepted and loved as they are.
As he sat there gazing at the stars it became clear to him that many are just like him not knowing why they are rejected but fully aware of the pain of that rejection. That there is a star in the sky for each and everyone of us waiting for us to look up and be lead to the unconditional warmth and love of the one who is Love. As this became clear in his mind his heart filled with joy and though his life had been filled with pain his pain was now swallowed up in his joy. All he could desire now was to bring others to this true source of light and love. Than like the stars he could reflect the true light and love to those who are lost lonely and cold.

Colleen H.
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Post by Colleen H. » Fri Jun 20, 2014 12:42 pm

Tim and Phil . . . thanks so very much for this conversation. It touches me so deeply. I too struggle continually with feelings of disappointing others, of not being enough, of being too mortal despite the Lord's goodness in blessing me with all He has given me. I am so very, very imperfect, but I must admit I am blessed with one person who knows all about me and yet never expresses disappointment or even impatience with me--and that (by the grace of God) is my husband. I have never met a more patient, long-suffering, kind-hearted person. That doesn't mean he's perfect, either, and he'd be the first to admit it, but he is a gentle, non-judging, non-agressive soul.

I know he gets these qualities from loving and turning to the Lord in his heart and mind as often as he does.

Thank you, Tim, for your humble honesty. And thank you times ten for that beautiful parable. It moved me so deeply.

And thank you, again and again, Tim, for coming back here to the HtH forums. I keep hoping that others will return to this resource of sharing with each other, but it is still pretty sparse.

Well, where two or three are gathered . . . and that's us.

Hugs to you both.

Colleen

TimA.
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Post by TimA. » Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:46 pm

Thank you Phil and Colleen
I did not know where that story was going when I began but by the end I was comforted and choose to believe it was the Lord's hand on me.
May God bless you both!
Tim

PhilH
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Post by PhilH » Sat Jun 21, 2014 12:00 pm

Tim, thank you for your story. I loved it. I truly believe it was inspired, and exactly the way things should end up. The Lord does love and accept us all, and will eventually lead us to a place where all are accepting and loving.

TimA.
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Post by TimA. » Sun Jun 22, 2014 8:23 pm

I was thinking about step 4. I have written inventories including the wrong things I have done but the thing I have not written is what is wrong with me. What I have realized over the last few days is that I can not write what is wrong with me because I simply don't know. Not only do I not know, I don't think the professionals nor religious leaders I have seen know either. Maybe they don't know because I don't articulate it well enough but the truth is I can't even articulate it to myself. Maybe at some deep level I know but have no words that express it, even to myself.
As I began writing that story the pain was great as I finished writing it the peace was greater than the pain had been a short time before. I did not hear a voice but I understood that though I did not understand what is wrong with me Jesus does and it in no way separates me from His love. There are others hurting like me and when I open my door and invite them in He will come in also and His smile will drive our sorrows away.
Tim

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