Letting go

Finding balance in our relationships

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clg
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Nov 03, 2008 9:04 pm
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Letting go

Post by clg » Tue Mar 03, 2009 9:52 am

I hide in the shadows and try to learn from the wisdom that the rest of you have gained. I can not say that I have been "working the program". I have been stuck at handing my will over to the Lord and haven't trusted that his love would actually apply to me. I keep feeling that I have to fix myself and my situtaion enough to warrant his love. I finally asked for a priesthood blessing from my home teacher who is a marvelous and spiritual man. The most powerful part of the blessing told me to let go - let go of the past, let go of the anger, the hurt and the pain. I was told of the Savior's immense love for me. It was the closest that I had come to feeling his love in a long time because I have insulated myself from it based upon what I perceived as my unworthiness. I have been afraid to accept his love and guidance because I have been afraid of the next step. I have been afraid he will ask me to do something I am not able or want to do. From one of the other posts, it hit me that ability is not what the Lord requires - he requires willingness.

I have always thought of myself as a strong person but I am seeing more and more each day how I make decisions based upon fear - fear of my husband's wrath, fear of being judged by others, fear of being hurt or hurting someone, fear of failure which means no self-worth. It hit me that if my actions are motivated by the love of the Savior instead of fear, anger, hurt and pain, that life would produce peace and joy - not perfection or the absence of problems but peace because how can you fear when you truly know the Savior is in control? I was reminded to stop worrying about what direction that I should go in. If I can "let go and let God" then the rest will fall into place. In many ways, I could feel a huge sense of relief and peace at that thought and I am fighting falling back into the pattern of wanting a direction and a solution as each day reminds me of the problems in my life. So here I sit, fighting the urge to solve my problems and change my husband but trying to just let go of the past, not let frustration and anger enter from what has occurred today and trying to feel of the Savior's love for me. It is an odd feeling to stop trying to fix the problems in the other people around me and just accept the Savior's love and guidance and to just accept that the challenges around me are actually there to help me grow closer to the Savior and to become more like him. I feel that I am at such a limited understanding and at such tiny, tiny baby steps but I know HAVE to stay on this path - let go, let God, accept and feel the Savior's unconditional love for me even with all my mistakes and imperfections.
Christine

JaneO
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:09 am
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Post by JaneO » Tue Mar 03, 2009 4:08 pm

I wanted to post here, not so much in response to your post, Christine, but more because some things you said triggered a memory of what I read this morning. It was from Elder Holland's talk in October 08 conference, "The Ministry of Angels."
Referring to his childhood on a large Idaho farm, Brother Barrus spoke of his nightly assignment to round up the cows at milking time. Because the cows pastured in a field bordered by the occasionally treacherous Teton River, the strict rule in the Barrus household was that during the spring flood season the children were never to go after any cows who ventured across the river. They were always to return home and seek mature help.

One Saturday just after his seventh birthday, Brother Barrus’s parents promised the family a night at the movies if the chores were done on time. But when young Clyn arrived at the pasture, the cows he sought had crossed the river, even though it was running at high flood stage. Knowing his rare night at the movies was in jeopardy, he decided to go after the cows himself, even though he had been warned many times never to do so.

As the seven-year-old urged his old horse, Banner, down into the cold, swift stream, the horse’s head barely cleared the water. An adult sitting on the horse would have been safe, but at Brother Barrus’s tender age, the current completely covered him except when the horse lunged forward several times, bringing Clyn’s head above water just enough to gasp for air.

Here I turn to Brother Barrus’s own words:

“When Banner finally climbed the other bank, I realized that my life had been in grave danger and that I had done a terrible thing—I had knowingly disobeyed my father. I felt that I could redeem myself only by bringing the cows home safely. Maybe then my father would forgive me. But it was already dusk, and I didn’t know for sure where I was. Despair overwhelmed me. I was wet and cold, lost and afraid.
“I climbed down from old Banner, fell to the ground by his feet, and began to cry. Between thick sobs, I tried to offer a prayer, repeating over and over to my Father in Heaven, ‘I’m sorry. Forgive me! I’m sorry. Forgive me!’
I saw myself in that story. It occurred to me that every time I feel lost and that I have fallen short of what I have felt the Lord has expected of me (or what others have expected of me), I have immediately thought that the only way I could redeem myself was to solve my problem - to do whatever it was better, to fix it. But, I still find myself unequal to the task, very lost, and full of despair. It's so easy to see in this story that the child was never meant to solve that problem alone - that was why he was counseled in the first place to return home and seek mature help. It was just too much for him - far too dangerous. It's more difficult for me to see that I am in the same situation: I too face difficult and dangerous conditions in an effort to fulfill my responsibilities to the Lord, but He has told me again and again in the scriptures to return home (pray to Him) and seek mature help (His), when I find myself in these situations. It would just be dangerous folly to jump back in and try to fix/solve my problem in the very moment I realize my inability and jeopardy in doing so! The only safe way through is to seek His help, and to accept it when it comes. He forgives me, of course he does! He only desires my safety! He is ready to help, but He needs me to quit trying to solve it alone, and ask for it.

Anyway, that story just struck me with force today as I recognized my own childish thinking in trying to do for myself what only more Mature Help can do for me.

Jane

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