I find myself pulled into the "If I only had more money, then everything would be better..." thought pattern a lot. If we had more money then we could be free of the bondage of debt. We could bless the lives of our loved ones by helping them get out of debt or get into better housing. And I could quit my job and work full-time on getting healthier and getting my home in order and trying to get pregnant so then I would be in the right place for becoming a mom. Not to mention that I could spend my time in service too. Yadda yadda yadda. All righteous desires, right?
I'm not sure if you'd call this an "addiction" or not - but I spend a lot of time in a fantasy world, and so I call it an addiction because it is one more thing I use to escape from the stresses of real life. And when I start daydreaming about money I can spend a LOT of time thinking through just what I would do with that money if I had it. Down to the silly details of how much would go to tithing and how much I would invest and how much I would give away and how much it would take to get out of debt and how much would be left over.
The other day I found myself in this mental loop and all of a sudden this thought broke in. And what the thought said was this:
"What can money buy you that your Heavenly Father can't provide for you?"
I felt dumbfounded. I didn't know how to answer that question. I mean, intellectually, I've always known that God is more powerful than money. But there is obviously a part of me that is still very surprised by this idea.
I suppose that same part of me would also be surprised to find out that God is more powerful than food, s*x, fantasies, mental illness, compulsions, not having children, and all the other things that seem so big and important in my life.
Work has been VERY challenging for me lately. Not only is the work challenging, but it is putting me in situations where I am being forced to face a lot of my "demons" so to speak. And somehow, amazingly, I have been getting through it. Even if I go home in tears one night, I am still coming back and facing it the next day, which is not something I was always able to do in the past. It was the inability to come to work and face stresses that led me to have a very poor attendance record in the past, almost got me fired, and ultimately led to me being home on disability for more than a year.
So these past couple weeks at work, as awful as the stress has been, it has been an amazing experience. I don't think words can describe the wonder I feel when I get through a tough day and realize that I just did things that I didn't think I was capable of doing - in fact I know I wasn't capable of doing those things on my own. And knowing for a fact that strength beyond my own was involved.
It is amazing to come right up to those brick walls that have stopped me in the past - come right up to them and suddenly find myself willing to go through them even though in the past everything in me was screaming to turn and run away. And, yes, I cry all the way through the painful process of getting through the wall, but then suddenly I'm through and I am standing on the other side and am now in a place I haven't seen in YEARS, or maybe have never seen ever before. And I find that things are better and happier here. Is this what it means to have stumbling blocks removed?
And if I had been given the blessing I had asked for a few years ago that I had begged so hard for - of having the money to get out of debt and not having to work anymore - I wouldn't be having this experience right now. I had prayed long and fervently for some way to not have to work. And now, I am glad to work. So glad. The experiences I am having are something I don't want to give up. I want to come in tomorrow and see what happens and see what I can accomplish. I'm not saying that I wouldn't quit in a second for the chance to be a stay-at-home-mom - but if that blessing comes I know it will have its own set of unique challenges and blessings. For now, I need to work, not only for the money, but for ME and my growth and healing and faith.
Overeating, dependence on food, obsession with eating, etc.
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