The "Real" Me

Overeating, dependence on food, obsession with eating, etc.

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Wendy J
Posts: 258
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2006 11:35 am
Location: Iowa
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The "Real" Me

Post by Wendy J » Fri Feb 04, 2011 5:12 pm

I never know what to expect when I look in the mirror. You think by now I would be familar enough with my own reflection, and yet everytime I look I see something different. Sometimes I find I'm a lot bigger than I realized. Sometimes I find I'm really not as big as I feared. Sometimes I'm surprised by the upset or stressed-out expression I didn't even realize was there. Sometimes I'm very pleasantly surprised by unexpected beauty.

Today I had one of those moments when I caught a glimpse of myself and thought, "Oh, wow! I look pretty!" In that moment my heart smiled and I felt like I was seeing "the real me" - there was just something special shining through. Immediately I thought, "I LOVE the "real" me!"

And then the thought came to me, "The "real" you is the ONLY you."

I don't know how to explain how this hit me. I think for a long time I've been seeing myself as this fragmented person - a jumbled-up mess of bad and good stuff. The "real" me was like a little golden nugget at the center of an otherwise pretty awful person.

But it isn't true. I am the same me I have always been. I am the sum of my heart's TRUE desires. I am a good and valiant spirit who loves her Heavenly Father and her Savior.

All the other baggage I've been toting around isn't me. It's a lie.

Am I perfect? No. But I am a good and lovely spirit who will one day in another life reach perfection.

I have been getting emails from a mailing list I'm on about a new book about weightloss. The author focuses a lot on getting your "inner child" on board with your goals. Basically it seems to boil down to doing a lot of little experiments with yourself with your eating habits and talking to the childish part of yourself who wants instant gratification and playing games with her and rewarding her so you can move forward together instead of fighting each other. When I heard about this I thought it was a cute concept and that she had some good ideas. And yet there was something that felt not-quite-right about it to me. When I thought about buying her book I got the definite feeling that I shouldn't. I didn't understand why.

But today I think I do. I don't think the Lord wants me to see my weaknesses as an inherent part of myself - as some sort of bratty inner child who needs to be dealt with. He has a different plan in mind for me. He wants me to take His hand and trust that as long as I'm safe in His hands, it is okay to be brave and be the "real" me. That I don't need to listen to any lies about how there is something wrong with me. That I don't need to fear. He wants me to be willing to be humble and listen as He shows me my weaknesses and then be willing to let Him take those things and make them strong. He wants me to accept the love He's offering me and be transformed into a Wendy who has an eye single to the glory of God - a unified soul.

I am NOT some sort of tightrope walker, trying to juggle and balance the "good" and "bad" bits of me and resolve arguments between those bits as if there were a whole horde of Wendys clamoring for attention inside my head. I am JUST the "good" me. There is no "bad" me. There are just some weak and mortal bits of me (which the Lord gave me that I might be humble) and a bunch of lies (which the adversary somehow managed to convince me to carry along with me). But those things aren't ME.

The real me is that feeling I get in my chest when I feel compassion for someone and cry with those who mourn.
The real me is when I see something lovely that speaks to my spirit and I feel my heart smile.
The real me is when I stop and listen to the sound of songbirds instead of hurrying on my way.
The real me is when I feel tears in my eyes and recoginze that the spirit is testifying to me.
The real me is the one whose favorite hymn is "Away in a Manger" even when other people say you should only sing it at Christmas.
The real me is that moment when I am patient and stop to listen just one moment longer and hear the message I was meant to hear.
The real me is that stirring in my chest that desires to LIVE and lets me know that the depression can never completely destroy me.
The real me is when I feel the wind blow through my very center and I know that I am Heavenly Father's daughter and connected with all of His creations.
The real me is the one who has always wanted to know her Savior, who has always been searching for truth.
The real me is when I humble myself and step out in faith and find that the Lord really is there with me and that it's not as scary as I thought.
The real me is the one who fell in love with my husband and the one who stops to SEE him instead of just taking him for granted.
The real me is the one I see looking back at me when I look beautiful for absolutely no reason at all.

I think the adversary wants me to believe that she is unattainable, that I will have to be satisfied with little glimpses of her once in a while. But I think my Savior wants me to find more and more that I AM her in every way. He knows I can't do that on my own but He is there and making the transformation happen. He stands ready to peel away the layers and carry the baggage. I think this might be part of what it means to find joy.

Wendy

Dionne
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:43 pm
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Post by Dionne » Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:39 pm

Beautiful thoughts Wendy! That's a question I need to answer: Who is the "real me"? Thanks for sharing.

Dionne

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