So tired!

Recovery from s~xual addiction

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Mike
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So tired!

Post by Mike » Wed Sep 08, 2010 3:53 pm

I am so tired of this addiction. I have been in recovery for 6 years now and feel like I was finally making a good deal of progress until earlier today. I had a pretty bad slip and regressed back to the old behavior. I had previouly gone over 5 months between slips followed by this last stretch of almost 2 months. I am so discouraged. How easily I allow the thoughts to linger and find a place in my mind. How willingly I let the little things in until it is too much to bear and I end up acting out. I am sick to myself right now and feel so deflated. How long will I continue to return like a pig to its vomit? How long before I "hit bottom" or is it really necessary for me to "hit bottom" before turning to the Lord for help.

I just feel ready to stop trying. It has been so long and I don't feel that I am making progress. I am sorry to be so negative but I just feel like dirt.

Mike

Wendy J
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Post by Wendy J » Wed Sep 08, 2010 4:15 pm

Mike, I don't know if this helps - but I find that when I feel like dirt, that is when I act out the most. I get into the "why bother" mindset. The Savior doesn't want us to feel like dirt - only the adversary wants us to feel that kind of defeat and hopelessness. The broken heart that the Savior requires is different, I think.

I'm not much of an authority, since I don't have much abstinence from my own various addictions, but I think the key is Love. Open yourself to the Savior's love and His healing. We need to run TO Him rather than running FROM our addictions. The addictions and temptations always catch up eventually! We can't beat ourselves up for that.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I was reading.

Much love,
Wendy

Mike
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Post by Mike » Wed Sep 08, 2010 4:28 pm

Wendy,

Thank you for your helping hand and thoughful responce. I like the visual of running from the addiction rather than running to the Savior. You are right I think. I acted out as a result of distancing myself from my Savior and not turning to Him as I should have. In this case I had slowed down so much that the addiction did eventually catch up to me and I acted out. I think the best thing for me now is to get up and dust myself off and start running again toward my Savior.

Thanks again.

ScottPart2
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Gratitude

Post by ScottPart2 » Thu Sep 09, 2010 7:46 am

Hi Mike,

I know it must feel discouraging to have slipped, but to me, when I hear of 5 months and then two months of abstinence; it's like hearing you say that you saw the Red Sea part right before your eyes. It would be that much of a miracle for me to have more than a few days or a week's abstinence at a time.

I've been "in recovery" for over 5 years now. I have learned (and felt) a lot. I have made progress spiritually, but not in the one way I was seeking--that of forsaking my sins as part of true repentance.

I rejoice that you have had such long stretches and hope you will view them with gratitude rather than focus on the discouragement of slipping; I see yours as a story of success rather than one of failure. I rejoice that it's possible for an addict to have such stretches of sobriety because it gives me hope that a week or a month of sobriety could be down the road for me.

:-)

Scott

TimA.
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Post by TimA. » Thu Sep 09, 2010 9:47 am

Mike,
For whatever it is worth to you, your words could be my words. I am in the same place.

All I know to do is keep trying as best I can or as best I can get myself too anyway.

When I feel like this I find it helps to count my blessings. I have felt happiness in my life along with the shame and guilt. I try to dwell on that happiness and it eases the pain some.

Tim

Mike
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Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 1:36 pm
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Post by Mike » Thu Sep 09, 2010 12:06 pm

Thank you all for you kind words. I am feeling a lot better today than I was yesterday. I find that directly following a slip I tend to be disconnected with reality. I only see what is right in front of me rather than the "big picture".

I spoke to my Bishop last night about what happened and he was very suportive. He said a lot of the same things that have been posted here. He indicated that I have made great strides in my recovery and I am much further on the road than I was a year ago or even 6 years ago when I first started in recovery. We talked about how we often times do not see the growth in ourselves. We look in the mirror each day and do not see how much we have physically grown oe changed. Yet we can go back and look at a picture that was taken in the past and it is then that we see the changes and the growth. The same is with my addiction. I do not see the spiritual change that is occuring inside of me. I only see the slip and define all of my progress based on this one single event. I need to realize that my recovery is a process with ups and downs and that if I single out one event I am doing myself an injustice by discounting all of the good that has happened. He went on and asked me how many times I made the right choice before eventually making the wrong one. I explained that I had recognized the temptations starting about a week or two before the slip happened and that I had called upon the Lord in those moments and was rescued from acting out many times. He said that I should focus on that instead of the one time that I made the wrong choice and to look at the poor choice as a chance for growth and "what can I do next time to avoid the same mistake".

I am grateful today for the realization that I do not need to be perfect in my recovery in order to recover. The Lord does not expect me to be healed all at once. It is a process and it can be a very wonderful and spiritual process if I will let it. I have often said that my recovery will require that I invest just as much time it it as I have given to the addiction over the years. I have given my addiction a lot of my time and effort and in order to become clean of it will require an even greater investment in recovery. I pray the Lord will bless me this day and may all of us find peace in His atonement.

Mike.

Wendy J
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Location: Iowa
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Post by Wendy J » Thu Sep 09, 2010 5:47 pm

Mike,
Thank you for the follow-up post. It is helpful for me to see that you struggled so much one day but were then able to step back and get some perspective back and feel better the next day. Sometimes I feel like I need constant reminding that the "bad times" aren't going to last forever. It is easy to believe that lie.
Much love,
Wendy

saltsands
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Post by saltsands » Sat Sep 11, 2010 4:51 pm

I am in a stage of my addiction where I simply drive past someone's house. I am in a stage most benign, but emotionally I always cry before or after I am in the close neighborhood. I have dug much deeper, so I realize this pain is a direct link to my addiction. I never could accept such condemnation, I am years from physically acting out, but the Lord wants all of my heart and emotions to be sober ones. Its ridiculous to torment myself at this stage. I am working on it. I don't get to many meetings, especially in as particular an addiction as this, so I want to just share a little in this forum. I am grateful I am beginning to open up my understanding of what true partnership my Lord wants for me.

Stephen
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Post by Stephen » Sat Jul 16, 2016 7:47 am

Mike,

I found comfort in your words today.

I wish we were all a little more active on this forum - I'm not feeling hopeful there will be a reply to my message, which I could really use right now. But I am very grateful to have seen your words today as I really need them right now.

Your subject header says it all. I am tired. I am feeling like nothing works and I myself am very tired. My hope is dim.

I have been at this (my recovery) for a while now - about 10 years or so. I never thought I would be saying that. 10 years! When I first went to a group meeting, the naive/ignorant side of me was surprised that some folks had been in recovery for so long. I resolved that it wouldn't be me. I was going to work the steps so perfectly and impress everyone with my quick recovery. Again and again I became humbled and discouraged. Early on, there was so much I didn't know about recovery, so it seems like it was easier to learn something new that would give me a confidence to move forward with a renewed hope and and determination that I would never slip again.

This cycle has continued and becomes a beat down for me. Why can't I figure this out??? I messed up again last night after messing up a couple weeks before that. Normally, my slip ups have several months in between them and sometimes a full year, but right now I feel like I am going backwards now.

But even when I'm not acting out, I wonder why lately I feel less 'connected' to Him. I feel less patient, less confident and less quick to laugh. I have been feeling joy. Not only do I feel a struggle to connect to Him, but a struggle to connect to others. In certain points in my recovery, I have felt the ability to connect to Him and others, so I know it is possible to achieve. But the beat down has worn on my hope. I struggle to find the enthusiasm, hope and zeal I once had for recovery.

The longer my struggle goes on, I begin to feel alone in it again since less and less people are likely to identify with the duration of my struggle. I begin to resent those who seem to have recovered in much less time than me.

I am in a critical stage of life right now. I feel so much anxiety, pressure, business, fear, self doubt, shame. It is so important for me to be better than I currently am. So much depends on it... I need to feel His love like I once did. The world looks different when I feel it.

I am sorry for the negativity since I know these words are not inspiring. My words sound so unhopeful.. yet I know I must have some hope or else I wouldn't be typing this message right now. I am desperate for some more hope to cling onto.

Mike (and/or others) - I would love to hear how you are doing. I hope you have been able to run to Him and find His love each day. I hope you (and/or others) will have some hopeful words for me based on your experiences. I need to know I can recover. I need to know I can be a good husband, dad, priesthood holder, provider. And I need to know that I can become someone who is willing to do what needs to be done.

Thanks for reading this ramble. Love you for doing it :-). I am open to your thoughts, ideas, suggestions.

Love,
Stephen

PhilH
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Post by PhilH » Sat Jul 16, 2016 10:48 pm

Stephen,

I'm so glad you wrote here. It's such a help to share this burden with each other. I'm sorry for the pain you have been experiencing, but I can say I understand it and relate to it in my own life.

This addiction is really the pits, isn't it? It is so discouraging to fight this over and over, and wish it would just go away, and it keeps coming back. But there is hope.

The Savior understands this better than we would ever guess. He know the struggle with temptation, and He knows the pain we experience when we fall. And the most amazing thing is this--He has tremendous compassion on it all. He does not blame us for having this problem. He gave us our weaknesses, remember? He just wants us to remember Him and reach out to Him for help. He doesn't want us to fight this fight alone. Partly because He knows we can't win it alone, and partly because He want's to reduce our suffering as much as possible.

Hang in there and keep coming back.

Your brother in this fight,

Phil H.

Stephen
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Post by Stephen » Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:09 am

Thanks, Phil.

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