Another relapse

Recovery from s~xual addiction

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Mike
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 1:36 pm
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Another relapse

Post by Mike » Thu Nov 29, 2012 8:24 am

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I had a relapse and am feeling nothing but guilt and shame right now about it. I am so tired of this aweful addicition that has such a hold on my heart and mind. I am so tired of always giving in when the stress of life is high. I wish I could go back to that first exposure to pornography and have chosen to turn away rather than l~st after something so hollow and empty. I should have done more to protect myself but instead willingly feasted on the filth and lies. I have been trapped in this addiciton for nearly 10 years now and I am just tired. I am tired of the cycle that continues. I am tired of being so weak and not being man enough to stand up and be a priesthood man of God. I am tired of being a failure.

I am sure that I will get over this relaps but it is going to take some time I think. I am not even sure why I came to this site today. Maybe just to have an outlet where I can post and share. I am sorry if I have been negative but this is where I am as of this moment.

brooks
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:26 am
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You are not alone.

Post by brooks » Fri Nov 30, 2012 2:36 pm

Mike,
Thank you for showing the courage that it takes to share such tender and private feelings with those that come here. Even in our grief and frustration we can bless others and be strengthened by facing truth.

For myself, I have to come to the truth that when I have acted out with l~st and all and any of its forms of outward expressions (e.g. p~rnography, mast~rbation, etc.), I did it because I wanted to... it was something I desired. Something in me still believed and believes that I can find, even the smallest measure of, happiness in l~st. My logic says, "How can this be? Haven't I hurt myself and everyone around me enough?" Well, for me that truth must be, "No, I guess that I haven't or I wouldn't find myself here again."

On the other hand... lest I become to mired down in self-pity (which is also poisonous for me), I also know where I can go to find a change of heart, a change in what it is that I believe and desire. When I'm close to the Source of that change, close to the only one that has the real power to change men's hearts, I find that I can desire righteousness and to actually live the things that I have told myself that I believe all my life. And, I find, slowly over time, day by day, moment by moment, that He somehow gets through all the bad patterns of behavior, the lies that I have accepted about myself, about Him, and about what truly brings happiness and peace.

I hesitate here... because just writing this makes me sound like I've got it figured out, that I've made it, that I even understand this, or practice this better than I really do. I haven't and I don't. But, I'm finding that He has! ... and crazily, unbelievably enough... He really wants to get me there, too.

We can only stand up and be men, be His kind of man and priesthood holder, under His power. No one can go it alone, it was never intended to be that way. And, you are not alone. You have this wonderful fellowship, and you have God's undying interest and love and mercy on your side. Together we can get through this one day, one moment at a time, and soon we'll look back and see just how far we've come...

May you feel God's love for you today...

your brother in Christ,
brooks

Mike
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 1:36 pm
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Post by Mike » Mon Dec 03, 2012 8:15 am

Thank you for your words of encouragement Brooks. I am doing much beeter today and have re-committed myself to doing those things that will bring me closer to Christ and help my heart to truely change.

Have a great day!

Mike

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