My husband, who is away on a business trip, called me this morning about 15 minutes before I had to leave for work and told me that he’d acted out in his addiction last night. I kept waking up last night and couldn’t figure out why. (Generally I sleep solid through the night). And last time he acted out (last week during the day) I’d had anxiety that day for no apparent reason .
Months ago, when I first found out about his p~rn addiction I became fixated on trying to figure out when he was secretly indulging. I was so upset about having been duped and lied to for years. I kept wondering: How am I going to know when he’s being honest and sober and when he’s lying? A good friend (whose husband also struggles) and my counselor both had said that I just needed to stay close to the Spirit, and the Holy Ghost would let me know when something was wrong and when I felt like something was wrong I should talk to my husband about it and get the truth out of him. I took this advise as a new burden: like I needed to get close to the Spirit, not for my sake but for his- so I could be his conscience and “catch him” and convince him to confess and see how wrong his actions were.
But I’m starting to see things differently now. Was my anxiety and sleeplessness the Spirit telling me that something was wrong? Maybe, but maybe not. What would be the point of the Spirit giving me anxiety? There’s nothing I can do to fix his addiction or make it better. If he’s going to seek out and act out his addiction there’s nothing I can do to stop him. I don’t want to be his conscience, I don’t want to police him, I don’t want to drag the truth out of him. It’s exhausting and frustrating to try. I feel fed-up with his addiction and trying to help him.
I do want him to find recovery, but I want him to figure it out himself- to be his own conscience, to tell the truth on his own.
I question whether this new attitude is a good thing, or has the pendulum swung too far? I feel like I’m just “detaching” and leaving out the “with love” part. I’m feeling so annoyed and apathetic towards him and his addiction now. I don’t know if this new attitude is any better than my old one.
If any of you have any advice or insights, I’d appreciate some input on my 'detachment' dilemma.
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