Grateful for a day 1.
I have always believed this, or at least hoped it was true. Since things did not work out, I assumed I did not have enough faith in Christ. I want to believe it now, but decades of experience work against it.Enos
8 ...Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen...wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole.
15 Whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith, believing that ye shall receive in the name of Christ, ye shall receive it.
16 And I had faith, and I did cry unto God...
How do I ask—believing that I will receive—one more time, when I did not seem to receive any of the other times. That colors and damages my faith and hope.
Lord, what is the truth? How do I get more faith? Will you give me faith? Will you help me believe that you will answer my need and plea, and if yes, why now and not before?
Do we really have to rationalize and deny the truth? Don’t we just say, “Right now, I don’t care what the truth is; this is what I want to do and I am going to do it, right or wrong”? I think that is what I do—or I forget there is a reason not to do it.CHPH, page 125
Since we are beings of truth and light (D&C 93:29), if we choose to participate in addictive behaviors we first have to deliberately deny the truth.
I have felt this; that it takes more than I have to get through a day, so how can a week, month, year, lifetime be possible? I guess the 12-Step answer is that since you don’t have enough strength, you call on the Lord’s strength. But if nothing feels any different after you call on the Lord for His strength, then what? If you don’t feel any stronger or any more able? What do you do then?Getting honest with ourselves and “admitting the exact nature of our wrongs” requires that we learn to recognize the “stinkin’ thinkin’” that paves the way to acting out. Here are some of the “rational lies” we tell ourselves to excuse our acting out:
- I’m too tired. I can’t keep up the effort of resisting any longer.
Lord, do you have counsel for me today?
Just try and exercise faith in me again.
How shall I do that? In what way?
Pretend. Go forward like you really believe it will happen, even if you don’t think you do believe it.
Pretend? Isn’t that the story of my life so far? Going on and believing for decades even though there is no response?
I will try. It feels like deciding to believe I’m immune to gravity and can fly. I have a lifetime of earthbound days and painful bruises from leaping but falling, all telling me it isn’t even remotely possible. I will try, I will pretend—one more day in the invisible religious fantasy world of my mind and living unconnected to the world around me.
I don’t think I can do it. I jumped off the cliff for you years ago believing you’d catch me, even if it was totally illogical. I told everything, I tried everything anyone told me, I live in a state of constant prayer and reaching out, and pausing to listen for your voice. I don’t know whether I’m still in free fall or if that crushing pain I felt was me hitting bottom, but foolishly still believing something would happen, had to happen, because of faith, and because you said “draw near unto me and I will draw near to you.”
If you are real, then you will keep your promises. If you are real, then the defect is in me.
I will try, but for the first time, I feel part of my faith has withered and died and can’t believe any more in unfulfilled promises. I am sorry, this is a new thing for me and I don’t know what to think.
Oliver was told to cast his mind back to an earlier event of the Lord speaking peace to him — Lord, I need something to cast my mind back to. Every blessing I attribute to you and thank you for, every care I choose to believe you have taken for me and my family, all is by faith. All is me deciding to believe.
Will there never be a quiet whisper or moment of spiritual contact or confirmation?
I know my sponsor has said that what I write in capturing is the Lord speaking, but I feel nothing from it; I feel only that it’s me doing my best thinking, and isn’t that what got me into this mess; my best thinking? Wouldn’t I feel the Spirit or something like that if the Lord is speaking to me and giving direction?
What I write is often in opposition to what my leaders have told me, but I have followed that “inner voice” in faith nevertheless, hoping that I might receive confirmation by following in faith that way. Nothing. I feel that I am losing my mind and that this whole process is not what you would want from anyone. I think I really may be a crazy person. Elder Scott said sometimes we get no answer and that it is to let us grow and decide by ourselves—my whole life has been a “no answer” event. Why? What am I supposed to learn from separation and loneliness? What am I supposed to gain from living under a heaven shut like brass?
Of course I will try again—I have no other alternative than to curl up and die. I do not yet want to do that, but it would be a gift and release if you granted it.
I will try again. I will ask again, but for the first time, I don't think I'm asking in faith, just in desperation.