This paragraph is so true. I cannot remember exactly when - probably because I was so numb, but at some point I can remember looking at my husband and knowing everything he had done and saying to him it was all a lie. Our entire marriage (at that point 13 years) has been a lie.When a home has been invaded by p~rnography or another s~xual sin, the very foundations of a marriage can be shaken. Both partners look at the other as the source of their pain and suffering. She looks at him and says, “How could you bring such trash into our home, into our lives?” He sees her words as yet another source of shame, another reason to turn to his addiction. Love in the home is replaced by fighting and recrimination. Both people begin to wonder if their marriage will survive this dreadful division between them.
I wasn’t healthy enough at the time to realize what those words would mean to him.
It was my truth at the time. Something broke inside me at that point and I couldn’t tell the lies from the truth. I felt my entire marriage had been built on sand and that the storm came up and washed it all away.
I was hurt. The person I trusted the most to not hurt me, had hurt me far greater than anyone had in my life and that was saying a lot.
But, he was hurt too. He knew he had betrayed our covenants. However, when I said everything had been a lie - he felt that I was dismissing all the good times we had had during our marriage. I know now that my husband was so afraid of telling me that he had wrote me a note just incase I threw him out when he started to tell me. That night before bed he even caught up the kids on their allowance - just incase. He was in so much pain.
We both were hurting. When both people are hurting so badly - it is almost impossible to have compassion for the other.
One thing I have come to understand about pain - is that it is easier to remember the pain than the good times. My childhood was awful and I could probably relay to you every bad thing that occurred to me growing up, but I know there had to have been some good. Unfortunately, whatever good memories I have are somehow tainted by everything else. My guess would be that is because of the fear. I lived in complete and total fear of what would happen next.
One of the most precious gifts that I have received since coming to program is that I no longer have to live in fear. I am able to see past the pain and fear.
I no longer have to blame, run or be frozen in fear.
I am no longer a victim. I am choosing to stay in my marriage. I can take responsibility for my own actions. I can choose fear or I can choose love.
It is my belief that it is so important to not make major decisions after disclosure has happened. You are not thinking straight. I am so thankful that the Lord calmed my soul when my husband disclosed. I could have destroyed our entire family.
I decided that I would fight satan with both barrels. He wasn’t getting my family without a fight.
Remembering the love we had for each other was crucial. If you cannot remember what you are fighting for - satan wins.
I am so thankful for Heavenly Father’s perfect love and I am so grateful for my Savior’s perfect example.