I add my testimony to Colleen’s - getting help for yourself is so important. This addiction is so isolating. For me I was so worried about anyone finding out and this affecting our children. I lived in constant fear. It was debilitating. My bishop wasn’t very helpful. In fact, for awhile we couldn’t even talk, because I was so hurt by somethings he had said to me. It took a lot of program work to be able to forgive him and be able to talk to him and tell him what I needed. I am not very good at making myself vulnerable. When I felt abandoned by my bishop - I almost crumbled. I didn’t have home teachers and my family isn’t members.You need to seek help for yourself. You’re hurting. You need to take care of your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, no matter what your husband does....Run, don’t walk—no matter how bad it hurts—to your nearest priesthood leader, whether your husband agrees or knows. This is not an area where your husband’s feelings can righteously interfere with your need for help. If he hasn’t yet figured out just how potentially terminal his condition can become, then what you are learning may be the most important truth you can offer him. But first you have to get it, absorb it, believe it—and grab the lifeline of recovery for yourself.
After three months I found Ht’H and S-Anon. I do not know if words can adequately express how much it meant to me to find people who would listen and not judge me. Who could see my pain and I knew that even if our experiences were slightly different they knew what I was going through. They weren’t guessing. They had walked down this road themselves. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I no longer felt crazy for thinking that I deserved to have support as well. I have said over and over and will continue to say, “I came to Ht’H and S-Anon because of my husband’s addiction, but I keep coming back for me.”
I came to realize that I was just as sick as my husband in my own way. I needed the Twelve Steps just as much. Working my program has enabled me to get right with my Heavenly Father. He is now first in my life. I am a better mother. I have dealt with and continue to deal with the ghosts from my past. All those triggers from my family of origin. I now have the tools to help me with my own character defects. I have a sponsor to talk to and I make reach out phone calls. I am following the commandments:
If I don’t put the Lord first the insanity take over. If I do not take time to love myself and take care of myself - how could I possibly love and take care of anyone else. I am learning what love is and how to love myself as well as others.And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these (Mark 12:30-31).
It is a journey, but one worth taking. Please remember you are not alone.