My pride is so thick and it comes back so often. It has kept me from realizing the depth of my addiction for so long. Well, actually, I think at one point I was honest with my addiction. With my natural disposition to do unrighteously. But then I forgot, or rather, my pride told me I no longer needed recovery. That I had advanced beyond it. I fell into the trap of thinking that I was "just a little bit more self control" away from perfect abstinence. And all along the way, I found myself confessing to my good Bishop again, again and again. My most recent episode was too much. It was a beat down. Something has to change.
I am about 3 1/2 weeks "sober" now but it is nothing to brag about. I feel the build-up of tension beginning in me that I remember now is part of being an addict. The ice on the windshield (as I refer to it) is beginning to form and thicken. The thicker the ice gets the more difficult it becomes for me to connect spiritually. Each time the ice forms, I need another miracle to break or melt it again, and feel relief.
Sometimes I deny the ice is there. How could it be since I am reading my scriptures each day? I am trying to repent every day.
Does maintaining a true remission of my sins keep the ice from ever forming in the first place? I hope so, it would be awesome.
I woke up this morning struggling with some thoughts. I haven't struggled much with my thoughts during this period of sobriety, so I fear my "honeymoon" period of recovery/sobriety may be over. It is humbling to me how much work it is to keep my addiction in submission. I hate that it is so difficult.
When my addiction is in submission, it is so great. I become happy and feel joy. How I pray I can learn to keep my addiction in submission continually. I hate who I am when the addiction surfaces, but am so happy when it is in submission.
I am looking forward to being more honest in regards to my addiction. I need recovery and am looking forward to my next meeting. I hope it will help bring some relief. I pray He will take away the thoughts that were bothering me earlier. I pray I will be HONEST continually. And I pray He will melt the ice on windshield, and my mind will again feel warmth and light.
Sharing and capturing on Heart t' Heart's principal workbook
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